Arranging thoughts

I want to be with Marcus but these thoughts keep running through my mind:

• I can't sleep at night.
• I get suicidal thoughts every day.
• I'm tired of living.
• I'm tired of myself and my mood swings.



Sometimes I wonder if when get the chance to travel to England I'll feel more complete, but I start imagining myself there every day:

*gets up*
*has breakfast with Marcus*
*goes to work*
*has lunch* (or could just skip it)
*spends evening with Marcus* (maybe shopping or just going for a walk)
*prepares dinner*
*sleeps*

Thinking about that makes me feel worse. I don't like routine, but I can't do anything to avoid it because that's how certain identities want us to be. That's the best way to rule the world.

Hell I hate people. And also I hate using the word hate. Why? Because it's a very strong word and the thing/person who makes you use it can change your mood completely. No matter what they do/say, you'll feel contempt towards them.

There's a funny thing (but also kind of sad) that happens to me quite often: I feel ignored, left behind. And that irritates the hell out of me. Because I might have a "cute" face, I might be small (my height is 5'1 only) and might seem weak... but when I get angry/upset there's no one who can stop me. I mean, I won't hurt people (if they stay away from me) but I'll hurt myself instead. That's how I make them suffer. I'm not saying they love me or anything like that to feel sorry, is just I have the opportunity to blame them for what I'm doing... They are the reason why I act in a reckless way sometimes.
Once my psychologist said to me "You are different from the rest. When you warn people you're going to do something to stop your existence, they think those are just words said by a hurt girl in a spiteful mood. But you go further.You don't think twice. You never think of consequences you could bring with your acts. You just go and do it... and you feel proud of it".

(You sure you wanna be with me? I've got nothing to give)